Decided to scrap the vegetarian thing. Realized it was just another attempt to find enough rules that I would be forced to lose weight by restricting what I eat. Had chicken last night for the first time in over two weeks though. It was really wonderful – S made a thai basil dish with jasmine rice and diced chicken. Yummy. Have chosen to go back to the basics and re-read the Intuitive Eating book that I picked up some months ago. This means no more weighing myself on the scale. No more counting calories. No more allowing myself to feel guilty for eating something and no rewarding myself for restricting. It means eating what I want, when I want it, and stopping when I’m satisfied. Right now, my goal is to listen to my body and learn to stop when I’m no longer hungry. Listened well yesterday, but woke up feeling anxious today. Knew S was heading to NYC today and I think the anxiety from that carried over. Decided to do a run outside, rather than at the gym because I wanted to just run until I felt like stopping, rather than setting a distance or time goal. Felt really good, actually, and chose to do a couple of 1/2 mile repeats with some sprints added in for variety. I felt tired, but happy when I was finished and headed home for some breakfast (had a plum and some pine nuts before my run – which was key!!). Had a banana with PB and a cappucino, did some knitting in front of the TV and took my time getting ready. Lasted until around 11:30 before I got hungry again – partially because everyone around me was talking about being hungry, I think. And the meeting I’ve been worried about for the past week got moved AGAIN, which threw off my schedule.
(Speaking of schedules, when did I become so dependent on a routine? I find an undeniable link between breaks in my routine and my lapses in judgement with food. Even if it’s something small, like S going to NY, which doesn’t cause me much stress, I think, it threw off my morning a little and as soon as I got out of bed, I was feeling the pull of the kitchen. I don’t get it!)
(Side note 2: I had a moment in the elevator last night on my way home from a run with Al that I don’t want to forget. It seems like a lot of my friends are in a bad way right now, KM, AR, KW, etc. And I wish I could bear the weight of their problems for them for a while. But I also realized, just before I walked into my apartment and unloaded all of their problems on S, that my priority is him now. For one of the first times ever, I walked in, said ‘hello’, gave him a kiss and asked how he was doing, rather than talking about everyone else’s issues. I did talk to him later in the night about AR, but the fact is that he can’t really do anything so no reason to burden him with it.)
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