Just a brief update today. Not sure why I felt like posting, since I haven’t posted in almost 2 months, but I feel like typing, rather than writing in my journal. Had a good session with Dr. P (not Dr. Pepper!) yesterday. Talked a lot about making my peace with food and my weight. If I weigh a few pounds more, so be it. If I weigh a few pounds less, I’ll obviously still be happy, but I can’t keep basing my happiness on my weight. I’m weighing once a week again (on Tuesdays) and have a vague goal, but I’m not tracking calories or anything. If I don’t see a change on the scale, I’ll eat a little less, or run a little more. And if I see too much of a change (rapid loss), I’ll give myself a break and add a little something to one of my meals here or there.
We also talked about my desire to plan and how, despite my best efforts and intentions, my desire to plan ends up causing me more stress than I would have had if I’d been forced to improvise in a given situation. For example, on Wednesday, I was talking to S about plans for this weekend and I said I’d like to make lasagna. So then I started thinking about what I should eat when, and how I should prepare for everything and suddenly I was writing down every meal for every day for the next week. Not surprisingly, I ate like crazy that night. S brought cookies over to the living room while we were watching a movie and I couldn’t stop. Once the cookies were gone, I moved on to nuts and dried fruit and cereal. So, of course, I felt awful the next day. I think one of my 2009 goals will be to plan food 24 hours in advance and no more. Obviously, if there are extenuating circumstances, I should be flexible, but I think 24 hours is perfectly reasonable and should help keep me from having anxiety about planning.
Sometimes I feel like, by saying things, I jinx them. It’s like putting them out into the ether does something to my intentions or thoughts. Like when I set a plan for myself, I follow it up with sabotaging myself. Or when something good MIGHT happen and I tell someone, it doesn’t happen. Why is that???
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